Its been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog. I decided to first take a mini-vacation, then that turned into a hiatus, then a “I’ll post when I feel like it”.
The problem is that I have had far too much going on to give any attention here. A lot has changed in the last few months and while I do have more free time, now, I find it filled with housework and chores. This is all fine of course, but it has really made me consider my plans for all of my outlets; video games, the blog, my Facebook page (which is thoroughly unsuccessful), Twitter, Instagram, crafting, couponing, my Etsy shop, and my personal Facebook account.
How much can I handle before I break again? It is a lot to keep up with and the more I think about it the more it just makes me…sad. Why would I continue doing things that give me no joy? I love keeping in touch with people, but hate that icky feeling I get when I don’t have any “likes”, or when something doesn’t understand and posts an off-handed comment. My worth should not be defined as such.
If you could only see me now. I’m lying in bed, pondering such things and trying to remember what my therapist told me: “Live in the moment.”
Meanwhile, my husband is at work, putting in extra effort so that I can be healthy.
A few months ago, we saw that my mental state had deteriorated to the point where I would burst into tears and find myself unable to explain why. I had terrible thoughts that really scared me, and though I was (and still am) going to therapy, I was not getting better.
Brett wanted me to talk to management and let them know that I was unable to work my scheduled times, in an attempt to move me into a different position. While they’ve been able to do this in the past for others, unfortunately, they were unable to do so for me.
So I left.
While this sounds like a bad, rash decision, please note that I have been unhappy for a very long time. I am fairly certain that the only reason I made it as long as I did was because I worked with my husband. He kept my sanity intact as long as he could without even realizing it. He was there for every outburst and every panic attack to get me back up and running.
Just a side note, but you know, it’s humorous to me how quickly people jump to conclusions when you put in a notice at work. I had many people ask if I was pregnant (“No, sorry to disappoint”), if Brett and I were getting a divorce (“Absolutely not!!”), or if Brett was leaving, too (“Not that I’m aware of”). Everyone was very quick to find a valid reason for my sudden notice. At first, I was embarrassed to explain exactly why I was leaving. How do you condense nearly four years of pain into a sentence or two?
So I settled for, “I’m not healthy and need to focus on getting better.” Generally when people heard this, they were happy for me. Sometimes people would press for more details. A lot of people couldn’t understand why I would just quit my job without having another one. I understand; I was really hesitant to do so.
Honestly, I’m so much happier. I can take my time and really decide what I want to do. I’ve thought about going back to school, perhaps finishing my AA or getting an Administrative Assistant certificate. In the meantime, I’m able to really focus on myself, while spending more time with family and friends.
I’d like to spend more time making things, now that I have time, and with that, the hope that I can blog more. I genuinely do love sharing my experiences with other people, and hope that someone finds benefit from what I’ve learned.
However, I’ve decided to step back from Facebook. I feel very sad (overall) when I use it; as though I am not validated unless I have likes and comments.
Instagram will stay, because cat photos. Even though it’s algorithm is messed up (like Facebook’s), I feel it’s a more positive place for a personal account.
I suppose that’s all. A raw update? An unfiltered essay? I’m not sure. It feels good to get it off of my chest, though.